Archive for August, 2012

life not hacking update

August 14, 2012 Leave a comment

so feel free to skip this if you don’t want to read the latest on my life.

I landed a full-time job company name with-held, for reasons you will read later.

First though let me write about the racism and homophobia (to me the same thing – bigotry).  I left my home town years ago without a thought of going back.  Two doors down form my parents house a neo-nazi gang had formed.  5-7 guys in my age group/grade that just had it in for anything not white.  Now the funny thing about this is three of the members of this gang were in fact not white.  Like the others their background had easily been covered up with the redneck farmer tans they all had.  So technically not one of them was really “white”.  They all tanned nice and dark like most of humanity.  Even though back then the only experiences of a gay nature I had had, were of those particular guys giving me trouble due to them mistakenly thinking I was gay.   To be clear I am bisexual.  I  know not much of difference but there is a difference.  As I have met many a close minded gay man, and lesbian woman.  Just as closeminded as most homophobes and racists actually.  I would rather be open to learning and sharing anything that is offered, respecting what I can by sharing what I learned with others.

Every time I would walk by there place to go into town (if they were there), there would always be some form of attempted harassment.   Now it never amounted to much as even all together they were never a match for just me.  But years of this stuff wear on you and there comes a point where its just a hassle living with that type of thing in the same town.   I didn’t find out I had a truly perverted side until college.   About a year after I had decided that going back to my home town was only going to happen on family emergencies.   fast forward to today.  a total of 5 jobs that I have left due to homophobia/racism.  In my current position I am allowed to be perverted but only in a “straight” way.  Since I plan on keeping my sexuality a secret until they can no longer fire me for no reason – i.e. my probationary period is over, I find myself daily forcing a smile for comments that I have literally assaulted others over in my other jobs.  I say assaulted as they started the fight but I finished it.   I am keeping my mouth shut as I have been out of work for a very long time and even the benefits from this job are so good that a ton of white lies will not stop me.

You knew I was sick right? well I still am and the benefits offered by this company are lifetime guaranteed even funnier no medical checks or background checks are being done.  I have been popping pain killers and forcing a smile every day for the last month.  2 months to go.   so long as I pay the minimum for the insurance (which will not be a problem) I will be good.

So back to what I really came to write about.  I have been so tempted to quit over this “talk”.   Today after a visit to the hospital on a trip home with the boyfriend while he and I were kissing comes a “hell no”.  A loud rushed mixture of words going on in a very homophobic way.  Over me kissing my boyfriend.  “We do not need to see two guys humping…”  more in this line, with swearing interspersed throughout and a girlfriend backing him up.  This adversely made the next two kisses between us that much more sweet (at least to me).  Of course it only served to rile them up.  Even though I have done the exhibitionist thing before this was just kissing.  There was no groping no more than hand holding and kissing.  We had just come from the hospital and we had just heard some depressing cancer news.  I wasn’t going to let a little homophobia get in the way of what was already a bad day.  One more bad day in a chain of bad days since I started this job.  I was more interested in him then what they had to say but apparently they really did not like the support being shown between us as they were still going on even more loudly now and closer to us.  “I do not want kids to see that you (removed due to illicit nature and frankly the rest is worse)…” two minutes later I must have dialed 911 as I got a call back from them asking if they needed to send officers over.  the operator “yeah I heard, are you sure you don’t need someone there?”  by that time the ttc officers had arrived.  they pulled the offending couple away from us not the other way around.  So I kinda feel alright about calling but I also feel that staying in this job no matter the benefits would be wrong.  Of course it would be easier to just document and litigate.

This being the first full time job I have held in almost 12 years (the last time I had a prolonged hospital stay, and it was just easier to not be working or not work that hard).

Don’t get me wrong I have had periods of good health where I worked through agencies and did double fulltime hours to save as much as possibly could for when I was sick.  This got to be a habit for me and if the job market was better would have been something I would be doing now.  It is just so rare to find this comprehensive type of insurance – anywhere.  Almost worth putting up with near any other trouble.  Even if it means closeting myself just so no one needs to look for excuses to fire me.

Split on other opinions and tormented by my need for respect and validation.  Just like the racist homophobes at work believe their opinions are just as valid even though voicing them is trouble all around.  (does the last two sentences make sense?) meh enough on this.

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